101 Uses for a Dead Goat

by Abby

Hi again, readers,

Well, it's been a while since my last column, and I have been simply flooded with mail since then. Yes indeedy, I'm the most popular girl there is, and I'm just thrilled. I just get so depressed when nobody writes to me - I spend days in bed, eating nothing but rancid wafers and drinking potions of delusion. Now, however, I've got my spinach and carrots and a nice pointy sword, and the world is my oyster! Write to me by mudmail or by emailing me at abby@mud2.com, and I'll be happy to give you some advice too! You like me, you really like me!

Dear Abby,

I have wanted to gain enlightenment for some time but alas have not be able to aquire it, might you have some helpful hints to share?


Dear Gemstone,

Enlightenment is not something that can be reached by everyone. Concentration, patience, and faith are required, as well as the willingness to put oneself at risk. If you believe you are worthy of achieving enlightenment, there are several ancient scrolls to be found in the libraries of the Pagoda which can give you some insight. All of the rooms in the Major Temple are worth exploring, in fact. Try not to attack seven apes at once, though, that's not a good way to achieve any goals :) (Except death)


Dear Abby,

Following a recent change in my circumstances I've found myself distanced from some of my former friends. I still see them frolicking happily in The Land, but for one reason or another, I don't feel that I can freely approach them.

The worst of it is I have (more than once) secretly listened in on their tearoom tittle-tattle (using a spell taught me by a quite contrary witch).

They don't seem to miss me, but I miss them. What should I do?

Yours eavesdroppingly,


Dear F.,

Have you, perchance, become invisible? Perhaps your friends cannot see you, and though they miss you, they are not talking about you because they do not wish to be reminded that you are absent.

Then again, maybe they can see you, but they think that you've changed. Have you taken to chasing them around waving a longsword? Do you regularly earn the title "F. the antisocial, violent Warlock"? Have you changed your name? These approaches to friendship generally don't work. You might want to try inviting them to chats in the tea room, or offering to join them on a dwarfing party or an Icon-gathering adventure.

Eavesdropping, by the way, is reprehensible and nasty. Except, of course, when the Immortals do it. :)


Dear Abby,

Is it safe for me to write to you like this?

Yours strangely,


Dear Strangelove,

The risks involved in writing to "Dear Abby" are minimal. There is only a 7.16% chance of your home being invaded by giant earwigs and a 4.53% chance that motorcycle gang members will kidnap you, remove all of your clothing, and leave you lying in an alley in the city. In addition, there is a 2.39% chance that your teeth will all fall out. Overall, writing to "Dear Abby" is extremely safe and enjoyable, except when you write to her on the fourth day of any given month if there is a new moon, because then you could turn into a frog.

H. Boyce MacNuffle, barrister, Abby, Abby and MacNuffle

Dear Abby,

I don't think I'll ever make wiz. Is this a common feeling amongst mages? Oh; I have to stop now, I think I just heard something moving behind me...

Yours paranoiacly,


Dear H.,

Never having been a mage myself, I can't quite identify with you, but I am sure that all mages must be fairly paranoid. Just think, it took you that much time, effort and pain to reach 104000+whatever points, and now you have to DOUBLE that, and you're the most wanted prey of all killers, and it probably seems to you that the mobiles hit you harder, and the vampire attacks you on sight, and.. and.. hmm, I am not being very comforting. Hey! Buck up! You can do it! Jillithe did, after all, and we all know what kind of a person SHE is. I mean, the THIEF killed her mage. And she makes sure everyone knows it too, as if it was something to be PROUD of... Oh... here she is now... no, I meant that in a GOOD way! You are wonderful! You are just so nice, and an example to us all! Put that finger away! OH NO SOMEONE HEeeeee

[Note from Jillithe - she isn't really dead. It's cruel to destroy those who aren't intelligent or strong enough to defend themselves.]

Dear Abby,

Why is the bale in the barn always soggy? In over 10 years since The Land's creation it has never dried out.

Yours damply,


Dear Squib,

The bale of hay is not really a simple bale of hay, as it would like you to believe. No, it is really the Land's most dangerous creature, in disguise. I cannot tell you how to unmask it because that would cause it to turn hostile, and there is no telling what kind of havoc it would wreak if that were to happen. It is best if you simply leave it alone, though it enjoys the occasional offering of alcohol and money.


Dear Abby,

Tethys is bullying me. Just today he put me in a bag and threw it into the sea.

Why does he persist with this behavior, and what can I do to stop him?

Yours as always,


Dear Tobias,

I am sure you deserved that generous and kind treatment at the hands of our beloved Arch-Wizard. He likes the Sea - it is apparent to me that he was doing you a kindness by letting you enjoy it as well. It would be best for you if you grovelled at his feet for a time and gave him some nice gifts.


Well, that is the end of this month's column. I hope I have been helpful to everyone who wrote in, and remember, if you need advice on anything, anything at all, write to me! Mudmail me (Abby) or email me at abby@mud2.com and you just may see your letter in the ABC's next issue.


#8 - Barbecue. What more can I say?

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