101 Uses for a Dead Goat

Well, dear readers, another month has gone by, and (luckily for me) my fellow mortals have had their share of problems requiring outside assistance. I say luckily for me because I could sense someone's FOD finger pointing at me from afar as the days went by and nobody wrote to me; it looked like I was going to have to write to myself for advice on what to do when a witch insists that you produce advice when nobody seems to need it! Thanks to all who wrote, and please, don't hesitate to write me at anytime for advice - either mudmail me (Abby) or email me at abby@mud2.com.

Without further ado, here is this month's advice.

Dear Abby,

I have a rather embarrassing personal problem. Lately I have noticed several people sniffing me. I tried sniffing myself, and got a terrible shock! Body odour!

I have tried walking under the waterfall, but it didn't really seem to help. Recently I have taken to always carrying flowers around with me, but I think people have started avoiding me. I have noticed that the Wizzes of the Land all seem to smell so much nicer than us mere mortals, and I wonder if you can tell me how I can get to smell like them?


Dear Embarrassed,

Wizzes smell the way they do because they get to loll about all day in hot tubs of bubbling champagne, feasting on nectar and ambrosia, and generally being relaxed. Hey, they've earned it. We mortals cannot help smelling a bit ripe, what with crawling around in coal-filled cellars, pummelling rotting zombies (eww), picking our way through stinky salty seaweed, accidentally stepping on sharns...

As for your particularly unique odour, I can think of a few things you can do. First of all, inactivity seems to reduce smelliness, so you could become a tearoom sitter and see if that helps. If you are enterprising, you could seek out the ingredients for the rare Perfume. This is a task completed by very few players, because so few have any interest in hygiene. Myself I have only heard rumours about it, but surely it involves combining the most pleasantly-scented things in the Land... You could give it a try. If all else fails, buddy up with a zombie - anyone smells like roses next to a zombie.


Dear Abby,

Please help me! I'm having a terrible time with the magpie. Recently, he has started giving me little gifts. A firestone here, a diamond there. At first I though he was just being friendly, but yesterday he gave me an engagement ring! I don't think things can work out between us. I'm a human, and he's a bird. I'm also a lot older than he is. I even suspect that he might have turned to crime in order to shower me with trinkets. I know he doesn't have a steady job, so how could he afford to look after me if I accept his proposal?


Dear Confused,

Another timeless, tragic tale of true love between human and magpie. They say it won't work. They said you will crush him when you embrace. They say he will peck your eyes out someday in a fit of pique. They say he'll fly off someday in pursuit of shinier playthings.

I think they're right. Come on! What could you see in a pilfering bird? At least the thief is your size, and has a certain rakish appeal. Forget about that bird before you find yourself eyeless.


Dear Abby,

I wonder if you can help me with an etiquette problem? I see many Wizzes in the Land, and I always like to greet each one I see. However, I am unsure as to the correct form of address when greeting a Wiz. Some seem to like "Hail", while others prefer the more simple "Hello". There is at least one who likes to be greeted as "Your most magnificent Wizziness, oh Grand Ruler of the Land", followed by three curtsies and a little hop.

All this is very confusing. I wonder if you could suggest a standard greeting I could use for all Wizzes, in order to avoid, upset, offence, and FODs?

"Miss Manners"

Dear Miss Manners,

Here is what Jillithe the witch informs me would be a good greeting for most wizzes at most times - some wizzes don't like being greeted at all, and others occasionally go into fits of crankiness at which times they react negatively to everything. (Remember, there are pleasant sunny wizzes too!)

- First, prostrate yourself on the ground. Then, chant "Oh most powerful one, I apologise for fouling the air around you with my unclean mortal presence, and can only hope that I may lessen the stench of my existence with some service to you, Mighty One".

If the wiz dislikes that greeting, tell him or her that your little brother got at the keyboard and that you apologise for any nonsense you apparently did during that time.

Hope that helps,


Dear Abby,

I have a terrible problem. Recently I have found myself attracted to a certain wizard in the Land. He is so big and powerful, and has a pointy hat, while I am just a poor little mortal. I dare not tell him how I feel, for fear that he might break my heart. I did once try to kiss him, but I was simply too insignificant.

When I told my friends about him, they just told me to forget him, and that there were plenty more fish in the sea. Well, I went and had a look and I could only see two fish in the sea, and neither of those were really my type.

Do I have any hope of happiness? Can mortal/wiz relationships work?


Dear Lovesick,

I'm afraid that wizzes are simply too much for any mortal to handle. You were right not to tell him how you feel - for he could have been so shocked at the thought of a relationship with a mortal that his FOD finger would have "overloaded".

Do not lose hope, though - make wiz, and your problem will be solved! Well, he might still not like you, but he won't be able to kill you either, will he?


Dear Abby,

I'm a great music fan, and there is nothing I like better than exploring the Land and playing all the musical instruments. However, there is one sound that I keep hearing in the distance that I am unable to find the source of. I'm talking about the lovely sound of a bell tolling. I've found a couple of bells in the Land, and I've be able to to make them ding, dong, ring, chime and clarion, but I just can't get them to toll. I tried taking the ladder from the hut so that I could climb up the belfry, but that didn't work. I tried asking the hunchback for advice, but he just shrieked "The bells! The bells!", and ran away. I've even tried asking my fellow players to help me make the bell toll, but they just attacked me!

Please help me Abby, I long to make the bell toll myself.


Dear Belle,

Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in
Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the
bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

- John Donne (c.1571-1631)

Perhaps that helps? Your fellow players were helping you also, but in a less
subtle fashion.


Dear Abby,

I'm having a rather uncontrollable urge to kill Fat32. He blew me up with the keg, and has generally been a pain in the [posterior] lately. What should I do?


Dear S,

Sometimes one can only get rid of one's urges by following them through. They say living well is the best revenge, but then again, so is preventing others from living, hmm? Share the fun - get friends to help. Best of luck!


This month's use for a dead goat!

Use #1: It won't mind you milking it when it's dead, surely.

That's all for this month - which means I must gather more letters to answer for next month, on pain of FOD! So please write - mudmail me (Abby) or email me at abby@mud2.com! I hope I've been helpful.


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Page last modified: March 09, 1998