A Canadian Mortal in Great Britain
Feature


(with apologies to Richard)

First off I have to say a healthy dose of steaming sharn to anyone who says the British are a stuffy and aloof sort. Everyone I met (with the possible exception of Customs Official7) were warm and friendly folk who made me feel very welcome in their fascinating country. Many thanks to all of you for your wonderful hospitality.

You see, I was off on a business trip to Zurich and as it turned out I was able to lay over in London en route back to Ottawa. Well I wasn't about to let an opportunity like that go by and I conspired with some friends in the game to poke around the UK and see what mischief we could make. By a very happy coincidence I even managed to meet up with another player who was visiting the UK at the very same time!

Like any good mort would do, I logged my adventure for later analysis. Of course I was secretly hoping that one or more wizzes would divulge all kinds of juicy secrets. Alas, in spite of liberal application of beer and spirits they remained as enigmatic IRL as they are in the Land. Or, equally likely, they might have told all and I couldn't remember it the next day. ;)
So here is my log. I naturally snipped great whacks of it out to keep you from falling asleep or finding out my diabolical playing secrets. When I do snip bits out I will interject with a little commentary to try to provide some continuity. Enjoy!

Tethys


[The Land of holey cheese] ...
You have magically been transported to a place known as Heathrow Airport to begin your adventure in this land, known as Great Britain.
*o
Immigration
There are many travellers here, some look vaguely familiar, others are clearly from exotic far away lands. Directly ahead to the west people are streaming towards a gate of sorts where they wait in queues. You are overcome with dread; another queue. There is a Customs Official here.
*w
The Customs Official7 blocks your way.
*l Customs Official
The Customs Official7 looks full of life and is carrying the following:
        the rubber stamp.
*w
The Customs Official7 blocks your way.
*k Customs Official
You can't just go about killing Customs Officials here you nitwit! This is England, that wouldn't do at all. Try giving him your passport.
*g passport f sack,gi passport to customs official
Passport removed from sack.
Passport given to Customs Official7.
The Customs Official7 eyes you up and down suspiciously.
*wait
OK, Tethys the warlock waits.
Suddenly, with a great flourish, the Customs Official7 stamps your passport.
The Customs Official7 has given you the passport.
*w
Baggage carousel
You find yourself standing beside a curious device known as a baggage carousel. Many of the same people you saw in Immigration are here, gathered around in little groups waiting.
*g bag f baggage carousel
You couldn't possibly take all the baggage from the Baggage carousel you berk! Better that you should tell me which bag you want to take.
*g my bag f baggage carousel
bag12 taken
*o
Arrivals
Most of your fellow travellers are milling about here, some stride off purposefully, looking as if they have urgent appointments to keep. Others, like yourself, wander about a bit, looking for a familial face. Hawumph the warlock is here.
*grin
OK, Tethys the warlock grins.
*wave
OK, Tethys the warlock waves.
Hawumph the warlock waves.
Hawumph the warlock exclaims "Hello Tethys, welcome to London!"
*"Hiya Hawumph, great to be here!
Hawumph the warlock says "Acc me, we will do battle with the traffic on the motorway."
*acc hawumph
OK, you're openly following Hawumph the warlock.
Hawumph the warlock has just left.
You follow Hawumph the warlock eastward...

We set off together to a dark and forbidding structure that Hawumph explained to me was the parking garage. As we approached Hawumph's car I tried to get in the drivers side. He cast me a suspicious look and I explained that I wasn't trying to steal his car, I was simply unfamiliar with the peculiar customs of this land. Presently we got in the car and were soon hurtling down a well paved road at a frightening pace. Faster than a killer going for a newbie mage we travelled into the heart of London. Although Hawumph seemed perfectly at ease I couldn't shake the feeling that he was driving on the wrong side of the road. In any event we made it to a place nearby our destination without incident.

High Holborn Street
This is an unremarkable street. Most of the buildings are darkened and locked shut. By day there might be signs of life for all you know, but for now the only feature that looks at all welcoming is the doorway of a Pub to the south.
There is a small red structure here, barely large enough to fit a single man standing up. Inscribed on the small red structure are the letters BT.
*s
Princess Louise Pub
This is a cheerful and lively public house. The room is crowded with revelers and fellow travellers. There is a large horseshoe shaped bar in the centre of the room. Behind the bar is the barkeep, tending to the patrons.
Fodrules the wizard is here. Mithriel the mage is here.
Fordules the wizard waves.
Mithriel the mage waves.
*wave
OK, Tethys the warlock waves.
Fodrules the wizard asks "Hello Hawumph, Tethys, have any trouble finding us?"
Hawumph the warlock says "No problems Foddy, I have excellent maps of this area."
*chuckle
OK, Tethys the warlock chuckles.
Fodrules the wizard has given you the beer glass8.
*l glass8
You see a beer glass8.
The beer glass8 contains:
        beer
"thanks Foddy
Hawumph the warlock exclaims "A toast to our visitors from far off lands!"
Fodrules the wizard exclaims "Yes indeed, cheers folks!"
Fodrules the wizard has drunk some beer.
*drink beer
Gulp gulp glug glug gulp glug SLURRRP! Down the hatch it goes!
Mithriel the mage has drunk some beer.
Hawumph the warlock has drunk some beer.

Soon we found a comfortable booth near the back of the room and settled in for a fine evening of camaraderie and yarn spinning. We shared many tales of our adventures and mishaps. Fodrules for his part listened intently, often laughing out loud. At other times, he simply grinned, the same sort of grin as Cat the cheshire wizard often bears. He did at one point offer the suggestion that strange things may happen should a player succeed in relieving themselves on the Dragon. We mortals were intrigued by this suggestion and pledged to attempt it. Our curiosity aroused we conjectured what other injury we could inflict on the Dragon. Hence this was the very spot where the plot to hold a Dragon bash was hatched. Fodrules looked on in disbelief at the folly of the mortals, however, he did let on that he was eager to watch.
Far too soon it seemed the publican called time and we set off into the night. Fodrules bid us all a kind farewell and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Mithriel and I, having no decent maps, accompanied Hawumph through the streets of London, back to our respective inns. Our route took us through many strange locations. We passed through a place known as Piccadilly Circus (though there was no evidence of circus). We travelled through Leicester Square, Chinatown, and a curious place known as Soho. There must have been a shortage of inns in Soho as many young ladies were forced to loiter about on the street seeking to share accommodations with the gentlemen folk passing by.
Finally we bid farewell outside my inn and Hawumph and Mithriel carried on, westward.

*s
Entrance hall.
This small room is the entrance hall of the "Orchard Hotel". The way out is through a doorway to the north, which leads directly on to a road. West is the public bar, east leads to the snug, and some inhospitable steps to the south lead upwards. The room is very dusty, as if it has not been entered for some time. The door is open.
*up
Inn steps.
You are on a staircase leading from the north up to the south. Above you, the ceiling slants with the same cycle as the steps do, indicating another staircase overhead. At the bottom is a small entrance hall, and at the top the steps open up onto a corridor.
*up
Upstairs corridor.
You are standing in an east-west corridor with several rooms off it. There are openings in every direction except to the north, where there are some inhospitable steps leading downwards, and to the northwest, where the corridor turns northwards. The northeast doorway is rather noticeably grotesque. The grotesque door is locked shut.
*s
Room 13.
Although this room has not been taken by guests for many centuries, it is apparent that it has often been used in the past as a place to sleep by passing vagabonds, or perhaps more sinister visitors because there are bloodstains on the floor. There is a barred window high up in the south wall, but the main window has been bricked over. Consequently, the room is light during daytime but not subject to the chill winds which can sweep across this place in the winter. The only exit is to the north, onto a corridor.
*zzz
ZZZzzz...

As I drifted off to sleep I reflected on the merry evening I had spent with my companions. Although earlier I was feeling quite disoriented in this land called Great Britain, now I was feeling more at home. I guessed it might have been the familiar ambience of this fine inn.
The next morning after a peaceful sleep I set off at full stam to meet the great wizard Tobias at a place known as Kings Cross.

Kings Cross
You are in a vast hall crowded with many people bustling about, intent on being somewhere other than where they are. There is a great sign hanging from the ceiling inscribed with exotic destination names and times of arrivals and departures of the trains which whisk people about in this land. Tobias the wizard is here carrying a large bag and a briefcase.
*"Tobias!
Tobias the wizard exclaims "Tethys!"
*salute
OK, Tethys the warlock salutes.
Tobias the wizard has given you a painful whack (115/120).
Tobias the wizard exclaims "Enough with the salutes!"
Tobias the wizard smiles.
*cackle
OK, Tethys the warlock cackles.
Tobias the wizard asks "Right then, lets go, the train is here. Ever ridden one of these things before?"
"Only once, a very long time ago, trains are nearly extinct in Canada.
Tobias the wizard says "Heheh, of course you know about long times, having been around for a VERY long time."
*nod sagely
OK, Tethys the warlock nods, sagely

[Tobias and Florence's cottage (AKA Edinburgh Castle)]


Tobias and I took our seats in a comfortable coach and soon we were moving along briskly northwards, to Scotland. Scotland is of course renowned as a land of legendary heroes and warriors (and not the puny ones we tolerate in the Land!) and so I was grateful to be in the company of Tobias who, I hoped, would ensure our safe passage.
As we passed through the countryside and cities of England, we told outrageous tales and shared many moments of laughter recalling our adventures in the Land. Time passed quickly, and as the train rumbled to a stop we gathered our bags and stepped off the train in the ancient capital city of Scotland, Edinburgh.
I accompanied Tobias through the winding cobblestone streets of Edinburgh until we were stood outside the small but cosy dwelling he shares with Florence.

Hall.
*e
Dining area.
You are standing in the dining area of a long narrow room. To the north is the lounge, to the west is a serving hatch which, you surmise, leads to the kitchen (although it's too small to climb through). To the south are some french windows which open out over a pasture.
Tobias the wizard is here.
Florence the necromancess has just arrived.
Florence the necromancess gives you a great big hug!
*hug Florence
You give Florence the necromancess a great big hug!
*"hiya Flo!
Florence the necromancess exclaims "Hello there!"
*Florence the necromancess says "You rogues are just in time. The feast is nearly ready"

[Tethys, Florence, and Tobias] *l Tobias
Tobias the wizard looks full of life and is carrying the following:
        nothing.
*Tobias the wizard looks at you.
Hovering before you is Eros, wearing a blindfold.
Out of nowhere, Eros suddenly produces a bow and looses an arrow straight at your heart! It's a direct hit but almost immediately the missile disappears! You feel a strange longing...
The name "Tabitha" pops into your head.
*Tabitha the witch has just arrived in a crash of thunder.
*cheer
*"hiya Tabs!
[Tabitha, peering] Tabitha the witch peers at you.
Tabitha the witch has given you a great big kiss!
Florence the necromancess has just left.
Florence the necromancess has just arrived carrying a haggis and a well maintained pick.
*whisper What's with the pick?
Tobias the wizard whispers "She loves to cook, but takes criticism poorly."
*gulp
OK, Tethys the warlock gulps.

Florence passed the haggis to Tabitha who withdrew a sinister looking ceremonial dagger from some hidden location in her witch's robe. Solemnly, Tabitha chanted some ancient incantation in Gaelic and plunged the dagger into the haggis!

Florence the necromancess has given you the haggis.
*"I was thinking, maybe we should go take a look around Edinburgh?
Florence the necromancess glares, Tethys.

[The haggis] *l haggis
You see a haggis.
*smile
OK, Tethys the warlock smiles.
*eat haggis
MMMmmm..! It tasted delicious!
*"You know, as long as you don't think about it, it's really quite good!
Tobias the wizard cheers.
Tabitha the witch cheers.
Florence the necromancess has dropped the well maintained pick.

We feasted on the haggis with tatties and neeps, washed down with a wee dram of whisky that Tobias conveniently summoned from his store.
As we rested from our feasting Tobias (being a wiz) declared that the entire company was to adjourn to his study where he claimed he would be able to conjure up a magical portal through which we could each enter the Land. With more than a little scepticism I agreed to this plan although I had no idea how he planned on accomplishing this seemingly impossible task.

[While Tobias was in the other room...] Tobias' Study
This is clearly a place of immense power and mystery. Few mortals are ever admitted entry here. It is unclear whether any are permitted to leave alive. The walls are lined with books. The titles are indecipherable; however, you feel certain that great power could be gained from them. Against the west wall is a desk which appears to be the place where Tobias himself performs his wizardry.
Tobias the wizard is here.
Tabitha the witch is here.
Florence the necromancess is here.
Tabitha the witch says "Go busy yourselves outside for a while mortals, Tobias and I have wizzly business to attend to. Like tormenting other mortals."
*o
Hall
You are standing in an oddly shaped hall. To the south is a doorway, the east is an archway, and some dark forbidding stairs lead upwards to the southeast. Immediately to the west is a fitted wardrobe, and some eerie, granite steps to the southwest lead downwards to the cellar. The kitchen door is locked shut.
Florence the necromancess has just arrived.

From the hallway outside we could hear great cackling and howls of laughter as Tobias and Tabitha delighted in doing whatever it is that wizzes do to make our mortal lives interesting. Florence and I set about busying ourselves as Tabitha had instructed.

*snuzzle Florence
You give Florence the necromancess a great big snuzzle!
Florence the necromancess has given you a great big kiss!
*stroke Florence
You give Florence the necromancess a great big stroke!
Florence the necromancess has given you a great big snog!
Tabitha the witch bellows "All right mortals, you may re-enter"
Florence hastily straightens her gown.
Florence the necromancess has just left.
*sigh
OK, Tethys the warlock sighs.
*e

As the immortals Tabitha and Tobias watched with detached amusement, Florence and I, in turns, entered the Land and dabbled at seeking our destiny. After a time Tabitha (the wizzes were particularly fond of transporting us around for some reason this day) whisked us off to yet another locale in Edinburgh.
Suddenly I found myself in a place known as Deacon Brodies Pub. Tabitha explained that the good deacon, long since deceased, was in fact quite a scoundrel. It seems he was a cabinet maker who would craft elaborate and sturdy safe chests for the local citizenry. Customers would take the safes home and secret their treasure within. Later, in the dark of night deacon Brodie would steal all of their treasure, having had the foresight to keep a copy of the key for himself. Reminded me of some of the characters I've encountered in the Land.
We passed the evening in the friendly confines of the pub, enjoying the company of old friends well met.
The following day, a little worse for wear, but with reasonable stam, I boarded the southbound train, back to London. From London I travelled in all manner of mystical conveyances across vast stretches of sea and land to my home in Canada.

Windswept Icy Roadway
You are standing outside the doorway to a place known as the MacDonald-Cartier airport. The entire landscape and everything in it is encased in a heavy coating of ice. A stiff wind from the north makes your teeth chatter.
It is snowing.
*groan
OK, Tethys the warlock groans.
...


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Page last modified: January 29, 1998